The W Word

IMG_2060.jpg

Let me ask you this:  How many times have you started something for your health?  How many times have you gone to bed saying tomorrow was the day you were going to do the thing for yourself that you know you needed to do?  And then you don’t do that thing and you maybe do exactly the opposite?  And maybe you keep doing exactly the opposite until things get bad enough again.  Then you hang your head, yell at yourself for being ________, and go to bed promising yourself that tomorrow is the day, again.

Argh, the pain of the cycle.  It happens over and over and over and over again, until the treads on our hope tires are all worn out.  And once those amazing things are worn out, all we have left to drive our healthy lives are shame, self-bullying, and comparison.

I know this cycle too well.  I do it too.  For me, I’m learning that it is not about gumption or discipline or learning to set better goals or any of the things we think it’s about.  And, it’s also not that we’re crappy stewards of our best selves or about an inability to participate in self-care.  I will speak for myself and suggest that, for me, it’s about a deeply rooted issue with the “W” word:  Worth.

You see, people have told me for a long time to raise prices and I always refused.  I believe, in principle, that what MommaStrong offers ought to be free for all women.  $2 is a fee to be merely operational, I tell folks.  In my mind, I convinced myself that this was true and that this $2 number was what kept things humble, scrappy, and different from other fitness companies.  

The truth is that I am afraid to be more than operational.  Charging $2 and having a low-budget arena is, yes, about a value system that will never ever change in me, BUT it’s also about protecting my fears of inadequacy.

I’ve deliberately, albeit subconsciously, kept things inconsistent, poorly produced, and generally disorganized not only because I’m a crappy business person (I am, it’s ok), but also because doing so has allowed me to do a dance with a deep-down feeling that I am not good enough.  I deceive myself when I say I choose to do it this way because it’s just who I am and imperfection is beautiful.  YES, all of this is true, but I’m hiding behind the reality that MommaStrong CANNOT function at $2 a month.  She can’t do it.  She is not operational.  Customer service is crappy.  Business life has been ridiculously insane and always on the edge of closure.  Promises are not kept.  Why?  Because the chaos bred from the simple choice to not charge even a dollar more in order to become operational is something I use to ignore the pulse of my deep-down belief that I am not good enough.  

Chaos in the wake of this reality is a beautiful distraction, a siren song to the scared, survivalist in me that would prefer to keep things hard and arduous and shameful as an effort to not claim my worth.

Ack.  That word.

THAT WORD!

Where did I learn this?  Where did you?  Who taught me that being worthy was something that had to be earned?  Who taught me that I had to do shiny things, but beat myself up at the same time?  Who taught me to “not get too big for my britches”?  Who taught me that claiming my space in the world was “conceited”?  Who taught me that it was far better to beat myself up day in and day out?  Who taught me that chaos was a better system than ease?  Who taught me that being healthy would make other people feel badly?  Who taught me that being small would keep me safe? 

The better question is this:  How will we not teach our girls the same thing?

In a world right now that is hell bent on reminding women and girls that we are not people, that our bodies are not our own, and with the REAL risk that we will lose rights that are human - I’m telling you, this issue with the W word has got to end.  We don’t earn our worth.  Our worth is not conditional.  It is because we are.  We know this.  Anyone who is reading this post knows this.  The question is:  Will we be willing to rise to the occasion of our worth?

We have to be.  Our kids are watching us.  They are waiting for us to get off our phones and our feeds and to join in corporal activism.  They are waiting for us to wake up each day and love ourselves as best we can.  They are waiting to feel us embody our bodies, so that they can learn to say HELL NO to the world that seems determined to diminish their personhood in every way.  

I have been deceiving myself and so many around me, hiding behind a value system of affordable pricing, but reeling in the reality that I simply have not yet claimed my inborn Worth.  I know this because MommaStrong has been diving head first into some major internal clean-up over the last few months, all with the focus of raising prices to $5/month rather than $2/month.

I’ll tell you what, though:  It’s not been easy.  I am showing up to work each day to film new content with new beautiful equipment and and I feel like I’m doing it while dragging a tractor of a ton of cow poop behind it.  This is what it looks like to override a lifetime of not claiming my worth.  It feels and smells like absolute shit.  And most days I am a whiny asshat, full of excuses, having to drag my arse to the mat and to try again when I mess up. 

But, I’m going to do it anyway.  Because it’s not about fitness.  It’s not about health.  It’s not about being my “best self.” It’s not about self-care anymore.  It’s about an undressing from the clothes I was taught I needed to wear to be an acceptable, loved, and safe woman in this world.  It’s about being willing to unlearn ALL the crap I have been taught about not owning my own body.  It’s about my children and the fight we all have in front of us right now to protect their basic human rights and to SHOW THEM with our own inhabitation of our own bodies that it’s a simple task if we let it be.  

So, screw motivation and screw health goals.  Screw them.  What if you showing up to be stronger is just the way you maintain your inhabitation hygiene?  What if it is one way you say eff off to a system that is working against you owning your own body?  What if it is one way you get yourself and your kids ready to stand tall and do what is going to be needed of us?  

You are worth it just because you exist.  Let’s start acting like it, even if it’s scary and messy and heavy and hard at first?

Join me for the next ________ days? weeks? as the MommaStrong team dives into a new site launch, with new content, new team members, and new organized way of operating.  And join me as I face the music that we need $5/month from each member in order to serve the right way.  I’ll be showing up each day in something I am calling “The W Word” and together we will tackle the ugly monsters that lurk in that closet.  If you have ever felt alone in the maddening cycle of claiming your worth, then this is your place to be.  

    If you are a current member, all you have to do is login and go to the first program up:  The W Word.  I’ll be there.  If you are not a member, all you have to do is sign-up today and then login and go to the first program up:  The W Word.

    PS:  What can you expect with this new launch?  Here’s just a few things:

    • A simplified sign-up process
    • A badass, easy “get started” process 
    • New content that is organized 
    • New content that is focused on my new glute-centric work
    • Better ways to stay connected
    • Reliable customer service
    • Better sound/lighting so that you can hear/see easily
    • More Q&A time with me each week in the private group