I sold my body to the lowest bidder at some point in my life. And when that exchange ran out and I needed more currency, I started selling off other bits of myself. My needs. My wants. My opinions. My nutrients. My time. My heart. I thought I could do this without losing myself. I thought it wouldn’t hurt me. In fact, I thought it was what I had to do to be a good girl, a good wife, a good mother. What I didn’t know was that I was erasing my worth with each sale.
I just turned 40 this past Sunday, a milestone birthday that begged me to take a good hard look on the metaphorical wrinkles in my soul’s aging process. I’ve heard this before, but I now see that it is true: Around and after age 40, you just stop giving an eff about The Good Girl. It becomes rather obvious that all she has done for us is gotten us into harmful situations. That’s weird isn’t it? We were told we needed her to survive and that if we played by the rules of the game to which she belonged, we’d have The Good Life.
Every time I use the word “bologna”, my therapist says: But what do you really want to say? And I sigh and then I cry and then I release a litany of curse words alongside facts born from injustice and hurt and deep down truth. I instantly feel better, like I revived The True Girl and gave her a home cooked meal, a hug, and a good night of sleep.
This is where my worth lives. In The True Girl. It’s hard to say that because the reality is that if I had protected her more and if I had let her speak sooner in life then, well, I probably wouldn’t have had these exact three daughter of mine. And so every time I feel regret and sadness about the loss of my worth over the years, I also then feel myself furiously deflect that regret and resist that sadness. I say to myself, it has all been this way in order to be here.
This is a hard place to be and until now I thought the only way to be honor the gratitude I have for my children was to starve and smother The True Girl. I didn’t know I could retrieve her instead, right now. I didn’t know that she’d still be game for the scavenger hunt of midlife: Finding my worth.
Join me this July as we retrieve our worth and agree to protect it. Yes, we will all attempt to show up for 5-15 minutes of exercise every day, but we will also do some bonus thinking on The Big W: Worth.
We also have a guest this month to guide us through, the amazing Dr. Devin Miles (click here to read her bio). She is joining us is because I need an expert guide in all this and I don’t want to do this alone. You don’t have to either.
I’ll see you Monday, July 6th. Sign up today by clicking on this link, either as a new member or as a current one. See you soon!